Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Don't Touch Me There.

Getting a new phone is like sleeping with a new person. You're not sure which buttons to push. Things pop up and you're like "what the FUCK is that?" It tries to do all sorts of things you don't want it to do, and when you try to figure out how to say you aren't into it, it just shuts down. You do certain things to it, regret it later, and can't figure out how to get things back to normal. It makes weird noises and you don't know if they're good noises or bad noises. You try to go crawling back to your old phone, but things just don't feel the same. The new phone beeps expectantly. You try pounding at it a little longer, ask it to wake you up at 7, and go to sleep, dejected.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Why Your Server Hates You

Why Your Server Hates You.

You're Forgetful.
You order a vodka tonic. I walk from your table to the bar, make it, and bring it to you. Then you remember you'd like a lemon, not a lime. When I bring you that, you then remember you'd like a glass of water as well. I bring you that, and you remember you'd also like a lime with the water. FUCK YOU. Order all this shit at once or forget about it! If I have to make one extra trip to you I'm annoyed, but more than that, you're getting short poured for the rest of the night, you indecisive forgetful fuck.

You're British.
You fucking British fuck. You KNOW tipping is expected in America. You are the only foreigners who pretend to not know this to save your stupid one dollar, which is worth like half of your stupid euro. And you speak English! You KNOW. Saying "Cheers" at me is not enough. No other European people do this! People from Spain know about tipping, people from France know about tipping, fuck, people from Australia know about tipping and they might as well be from another planet! What makes it even worse is when your American buddy reminds you to tip and you stare him down like he just blew your cover in some covert assassination operation.

You're Cheap.
You make me list the price of every single drink we have, shaking your head and frowning at each one. Then you naturally order the cheapest thing. When it comes time to pay you wink and tell me "Just ring me up for a tea". Yeah, FUCK YOU. You aren't some special snowflake and if you can't afford to go out, don't go out! Also don't ask me if theres a "buy one get one free deal" or when I ask you what your tab name is don't tell me "put it on your tab". FUCK YOU.

You're Picky.
You know the names of many obscure liquors and beers, even though you can't taste the difference when you're accidentally given a well drink. You ask me "Do you have Rumpstockenbechlt 13-year old Light Rum?" and actually look disappointed when I say "What the fuck are you talking about?" The liquor we have is clearly displayed right in front of you. That is what we have. We don't have anything else. So spare me the ten minutes of "Do you have...*insert name of something they make only in the small Icelandic village of Krumpeschpraten*".

You're a Giant Douchebag No One Will Talk To.
Every single person in this bar has rejected your attempt at conversation because you are just such a giant fucking douchebag. So naturally you decide to attempt conversation with the one person who is quite literally trapped and sort of forced to be nice to you. You come up to my bar and attempt to start a conversation with a way too personal question like "What is the meaning behind your tattoos, like, what do they represent?" or "Do you have an emotional connection to that song you played on the jukebox?" My only defense is to try to look incredibly busy, but even if I AM incredibly busy, you are still going to sit there, talking at me, until you get angry and say "Hey, I'm TRYING TO TALK TO YOU!!" I am not your therapist, you giant douchebag, go pay someone to listen to you.

You Won't Fucking Leave.
You haven't ordered a new drink in three hours and are sitting at the largest table with twelve of your friends, most of who ordered nothing, and the rest also nursing the last few melting ice cubes in the glass of the one drink you ordered. You're taking up the largest table of my section and I'm wondering if you're going to bust out a tent and camp there. You are costing me money, asshole. You are taking up space that could be used by people who are actually going to buy something. If you want to sit around and chat and not order shit, have a house party. Now get the fuck out!

You Brought Your Kid/Dog/Ferret/Other Messy Obnoxious Being:
This is a bar. Why did you bring your kid to a BAR? Of course it is now bored and smearing anything it can find all over its plate, the table, the floor, and the walls. And why did you bring your dog to a bar? Its inevitably going to pee on something. Naturally you make no effort to clean up anything your obnoxious being splatter painted everywhere, and tip me fifty cents on a $60 tab. Because you've got this kid, see, and you just don't have the money for "extras" right now.


Thursday, March 31, 2011


Are you Lonely? Depressed? Do you find that when you get up from a comfy spot, when you come back to it, its still empty? Do you sometimes think "It would be so awesome to have a wet nose stuck in my face while I'm sleeping"?

If you suffer any of these symptoms, Try:


Siamese kitties have been known to both raise and lower blood pressure! They smash their faces into your face to show you they love you! And most importantly, when you get up to get a glass of water, they'll save your spot for you and keep it warm (you do have to physically remove them when you get back). Siamese kitties have been called "the fuzziest thing ever" and "pretty nice to have around except for the farts!"

Siamese kitties are not for everyone. Side effects of Siamese kitties include interrupted sleep, the occasional paw to the face, and loads and loads of expensive veterinary bills. Some Siamese kitties have very stupid faces that can be hard not to laugh at. All Siamese kitties come with disgusting farts and lots of snoring, free of charge!

Monday, February 28, 2011

Movies I Want to Adapt as Stage Musicals

My lifelong dream has been to adapt "Mommie Dearest" as a musical. Then I found out someone already did that, and it was a huge flop. If ONLY I had gotten there first! "No More Wire Hangers" would be the eleven-o-clock number and the counterpoint between Christina and Joan would have rivaled anything from Les Mis.

Here are a few others on my list for possible stage adaptations:

The Hills Have Eyes
Slumber Party Massacre 3
Mrs Doubtfire
A really upbeat version of "The Passion of the Christ"
Drop Dead Gorgeous (this would make such a fucking fantastic musical and I have dibs on the Brittany Murphy character)
The original Scream
Apollo 13
Eyes Wide Shut
Doubt! (with explanation mark, of course)

I just don't know which one to start with.